Ponderings of a sickly brain

I don't know why this song popped into my head, when I was thinking about what to write today, this song came to mind, so this is what I chose. It's been a long few days, days of illness and just struggling to make it through the days. But I'm making it and somehow I know that when I feel better, I will be grateful for good health, because I feel like the ultimate in dog poop lol.

I have to take a moment again to thank the wonderful friends I have the keep me smiling with each text telling me that they are thinking of me and hoping I feel better soon. I get three every day from the same people. And one of those is a most unexpected. It makes me smile :) I don't read into those texts and I know that it's just a way of saying hey I really do care about you...and he'll never know how much that means to me.

Maybe that's why I thought of this song, It wasn't so long ago that these people knew that for me, I thought it was the end of the world, and perhaps it was the end of the world as I knew it, but there have been so many people who have taken my hand and guided me, shown me that I could rebuild my world any way I wanted it to be. Tirelessly listening and being there for me....The ups the downs, the ranting and raving, and ultimately the times where I just wanted to throw in the towel.

I always say how imperfect I am....and when I heard this song, I thought of a few people who know all of my imperfections and just don't care...and I thought well, it could be the end of the world ten times over and I know I'll make it through because I'm not alone....and if I'm going to watch the world come to an end...who better to do it with than the people I have in my life...

The twists and turns of life

Life never works out the way I plan lol. I went to my doctor on Monday, after being ill all weekend, I really hoped he could give me some medicine to make me all better and send me on my way. Nooooo he decided to hospitalize me. Of course it didn't have anything to do with the fact that I was ghostly white, sweating and about to drop at his feet with my inability to breathe and had been fainting all weekend, but I blame the doctor. So I spent the past two days on a cardiac unit where they are like Nazis. No you can't leave the floor. Smoke? What do u mean u want to smoke? Eat? what's that? You have a test you are going to and we must starve you for it lol.

I have a history of blood clots and we believed that the culprit this time was clots in my lungs and or heart. As I heard that news, my life flashed yet again before my eyes. I entered the hospital with trepidation. Wondering if this would be the time I'd be done in, or that I'd be on permanent blood thinners. I was scared, and of course my little one crying at my side didn't help. My good friends texting me making sure I was okay did. Which leads me to another topic, it's times like this, where you learn who matters, and who really cares, for even if you are in the midst of a brutal fight with someone if they find out you are facing life threatening circumstances and they really care, all that should be set aside. Thus the lesson is learned of who cares and who doesn't and we move on. I know who my friends are, and I will not dwell on those who don't.

This song is one of my favorites. It reminds me that when I do meet my maker, whomever that is, this song talks about Jesus, I won't turn this blog into a religious rambling, but I know that many have different beliefs and I hope that whatever you believe in, whatever I believe in comes true for all of us....when I meet my maker I wonder how it will be for me...Will I dance in pure unadulterated joy? Will I bow down in wonder? Will I stare in awe? Will I sing in praise of the glorious Goddess? The Angels and all that is holy and wonderous around me?

I just can't imagine the beauty of what will be around me when I do meet the end.

It's a beautiful song! And I just had to share it!

Please Mr. Postman

Have you ever waited and waited for something, just hoping it would come, and you watched the mail truck drive by, and then ran out to look in the mailbox, only to find that it wasn't there?

That's how I feel right now waiting on classroom assignments for my daughter that prove that summer for her is almost over and we'll get back into a routine of productivity for both her and I lol. Not that I don't love having her home...I absolutely love the time with her. What I hate is the non productivity for both her and I, the battles we have, and the dirty looks, the frowns, the inevitable tears, and yes by near the start of August I am checking the box daily just waiting for them to deliver the letter that tells me the start of the year is on its way lol!

God bless teachers, I know you dread it, but we parents love it! School supplies are being sold, back to school signs are posted, and I can't wait!

It took my breath

Yesterday I posted an angry blog, it wasn't very long after that I clicked on a link on a friends page and watched this video. It made me think of why I don't give up. Why I am a forgiving person. Why I give people chance after chance. Why I will say I love you even when people don't say it back. Why I try when people ignore me, and why I know that when I have loved someone they will know that they are loved forever, not just for a little while. Life can change in a tiny little instant. This brought me to tears and took my breath away. It made me so sad and I sat and prayed for each person...and for all the families, and for all the people who do things like this. Most of all I rethought my anger. I love my friends, I love many people, and anger happens, people fight, but should it all be taken away in an instant....I don't want my last words to be Fuck you.

Like I said, I'm not perfect....but God, yes God, does have a way of putting things in perspective when I need him too, even if I don't go to church, or consider myself a full "Christian"

Hypocrites

I am not perfect by any means. I don't proclaim to be. I am not Christian as Christians might call it. I believe in God, I believe in Jesus Christ, I believe that Jesus Christ died for our sins, but I also believe a wealth of other things. I believe in a whole lot of other very critical points of other religions, I believe in a whole lot of other very valid things in other beliefs. I am searching just as any other person out there is searching. I have never died and gone to the great beyond to see what is there, and unless you have, all you really have is belief, not FACT. I never condemn a person for belief, only for shoving it down my throat, only for being hypocritical, for living one way, while preaching another. The main reason I won't call myself full Christian, why I don't like Christianity....

I am not the perfect person, I am not always a great friend, I am not always patient, nor am always kind when I need to be. I make mistakes. I live with 24 hour a day pain which can get very frustrating. Add to that a new ailment which crept up on me....fainting spells, constant asthma attacks for almost a month now. I get cranky....yes, yes I do. I say things I don't mean, and I say mean things that I wish I could take back.

I do things that I wish I hadn't done, and I typically regret them immediately if not then within twenty-four hours.....

But I never ever and I do mean ever intentionally ignore a friend...and I am GODDAMN and yes I mean GODDAMN sick of people who come into my life and call themselves my friend and tell me how much they care, and then wait for a fight, first sign of a problem and ignore me, think that turning their back is the answer...


FUCK YOU ALL....

Not playing the game anymore.

If that your answer rather than talking like a mature person...GROW UP.

There is a lot of things I have never said to all of you.....things I have said because I am compassionate despite claims to the contrary...things I should say, but won't because I don't want to be mean and I do have compassion. Things that I have thought and felt for a long time, not just about our relationships but about you as people...

But I won't. All I can say is a friend doesn't treat someone like that....and obviously you were never friends at all....

My God, My Goddess, my Angels whomever I choose to worship today will lead me to those who will show me true love and strength. You all can keep pretending, keep up your facade and your hypocritical ways, perhaps one day your farce might become reality.

I give up.

Yesterday I gave up.

That's all I can say. If you're reading this and you know me, then you know what I am talking about.

Some might see it as a good thing, some might be surprised, some might be happy all will know it hurts like hell.

Love,
Deb

Fall

There's a place in my mind where I escape to, a place where nothing has ever hurt me, where everything is roses and sunshine. It's a place that I like to go because I know I am safe. I'm not talking about people hurting me per se, just life in general. A place where I can be a little girl again and I don't have all this pain in my body. I haven't had all these surgeries, and I don't go to endless doctor after endless doctor who just can't figure out how to help me. I haven't been diagnosed with what they think is MS and I don't have to take an endless supply of Narcotic medication just to function. The place where I can do what I love....what I really love, help people. I spent six years training to do just that. I've worked with adult offenders, juvenile offenders, drug and alcohol addiction, mental health both in patient and out...and I know the ins and outs of Crisis intervention....what's more I was so good at it. That life was stolen from me. My life with my husband was stolen from me. Pain....it has done a lot to my life. In my mind, the place where I go is a place where I don't have all that. I can't really find it with anyone else...although I have safety in the arms of James....I found safety with Nigel, but he disappeared, and then there are my friends...some whom can relate but most who can't. The endless array of doctors most of whom I've told to fuck off a time or two....but the good ones, the ones I can curse out and they'll hug me and say I'm glad you told me that, now let's keep working, I still see, but right now I am endlessly frustrated because nobody knows. I will soon be thirty-four and I try so hard to keep a positive outlook. I try so hard to find things to do with my life that are productive, but when you are in such pain you never know how you will feel or function on a daily basis it's hard. When waking up means figuring out which pills will best get you through the day so you can be somewhat productive and have a good day and be a mom, when waking up means figuring out what hurts, and how to deal with it, when waking up means trying not to cry from the immensity of it all...trying to find a new doctor that will help me, trying to figure out what to do next...when waking up means just trying to cope....it's not so much fun. But I try. I try hard because my life means something. My life is valuable. My life despite it's trials and tribulations has some purpose. There is a reason I am going through all of this, I just don't know what it is. There is a reason I am here. There is a reason for this fight. I know there is. I may not be in the best spirits ever single day, but I can make it, I know I can. I may just need a little help along the way. I chose this song today because it's one of my favorites...and right now I just need to fall...and thank you my readers for letting me fall into you today!

Love,
Deb

If everyone were a Lion

As far as Disney movies go, The Lion King is just one of the best there is....no ifs ands or buts about it. I remember when I was young dancing around to the soundtrack, but this has always been one of my favorites. And I never imagined that when I had children, those children would also love the song.

Hakuna Matata, no worries, isn't it such a wonderful phrase? Now if only we could all live by that!

Love,
Debbie

Wild Horses

This is just one of my favorite versions of this song, it's so pretty. It also makes me think....Wild horses....I've spent a lot of my life watching wild horses, wondering what if...sometimes trying to catch them, sometimes trying to mount them, sometimes just dreaming...

I love the end of this song....because it's taken me such a long time to figure out that in the end, no matter how long it takes, Someday, I will ride my Wild Horses...I've got so man dreams...so many dreams. Dreams that I know I can achieve. Dreams that I've been dreaming for a long time. But dreams don't come true over night. I used to hope they would. After all wouldn't I be happy if all my dreams came true?

In recent months, I've come to realize that it really isn't so much in the realization of my dreams, although I certainly look forward to those days when I can raise my fist in the air and say I did it. I've had those moments...like when my first book was published....when I got through to one of the kids, when I had my daughter, when I got married, when I got to Australia, so many things I've done that at one time were just dreams...but there are other things too....and I see now that it isn't the achievement that is the be all end all...it is the steps I take...the journey along the way, and the people that help me to get there.

Dreaming is a process. It's a love of life. It's a passion for that which I desire. I have many desires. I have many people who are the wind beneath my wings. I have so many people who smile up at me as I soar through the sky, and open their arms wide if I fall. And I have many who fly beside me, journeying along with me chasing those wild horses.....and yes, we will ride them someday.

Love,
Debbie

Why can't she stay little?

This song is dedicated to my lovely daughter, it's one of her favorites, and I just couldn't bring myself to put up Justin Bieber lol. I will forever have memories of road trips with her singing this song hehehe in fact she just came down and said "I love this song :)" And today mom is in memory mode. Why you may ask? Because my eight year old got out of the shower and said to me, mom I've got hair on my ninny. At first I said, no you don't. And she said I do let me dry off and I'll show you....sure enough....the kid has no arm pit hair, doesn't shave her legs, is eight far too young, but has hair on her ninny. So there went the massive text to all my girlfriends.....IS THIS NORMAL I asked lol. And then the OH MY GOD my baby!!!!! Why oh why? She's been kissing boys since before kindergarten and I've been crying in my beer ever since....

But puberty...am I ready? I really don't think so. I called her dad and told him it was indeed his fault..and I entirely blame him. After all I only have one type of gene for kid making, he provided the other...lol and he agreed. He after all told me they have mostly boys in their family and we expected a boy, and how I wish that he had to explain the facts of life and hair on the privates, not me lol.

but my friends are doing a great job of guiding me here. Calming me and assuring me I've got a few years before any major discussions need to happen. But i do have a curious kid who thinks it's funny that mom is freaking out. lol And I do have a great man who gave me a big hug last night as he laughed in my face and told me, honey, I'm sure glad that she's yours...lol Thanks babe....I had a great night last night :P

Now if only my child could go back to the stage of being rocked and bottle fed. Alas she starts third grade soon, she's growing up so fast...and I can't stop it.

I am Woman

Everything seems to be changing and fast...not in a bad way, but when I decide that it's time it's time. I needed to do something and so I did....it was time. Not so much that I was unhappy, I was on the fast track to happy...more smiles, more freedom, more me....but there were things that I just needed to do for me, things I have been thinking about.

I needed a focus and so I have found it. As most people have noticed and that would be if anyone can find this blog anymore, I have changed my name, there is a reason for that although I will not discuss it. I am using my real name along with a nickname for now :) I'm happy being associated with who I really am. It's important to me and all a part of the process of finding me. If I can't be me, who can I be. Although being Jordana is great, and I love my writing and am certainly not leaving it, Jordana is a name I write under...I am Debbie. A mom, a woman, a friend, a daughter, a sister...

An yesterday I was talking to a friend...and it's funny how many Aussie friends I have really when in retrospect I have done everything I can to avoid Aussie men like the plague lol it seems that Aussie men are drawn to me like a moth to a flame...still examining that....what is it about me that says Aussie men come get me lol anyway, a friend of mine that lives in Australia and I were chatting, and he played a song...and just before it came on he said babe, this is for you...and I'll be damned if it isn't just the new anthem I was needing....so yes, the song appearing on this blog today is my new Anthem...

I am woman...I am invincible :)

Love,
Deb

Self Empowerment

Strength doesn't evade me...it's right here inside me...and it's never been something I could have, only something I didn't want to have. Easier to say I can't than I can, but the truth is, there is a certain power in being a woman that can. One that can look at anyone and say, yes I'd like you there, but you don't have to be.

It's true that everyone needs someone. Life is a lonely place when you try to make it on your own. But when you make those people enhance who you are, not the be all end all of your existence, it makes life that much sweeter!

Change isn't always bad

It was time for a change, and change isn't always bad, especially when it puts a smile on your face, lightens your heart, and brings back people you have never stopped loving and missed with all your heart!

It's time for moving on, moving upward, doing what I love, and taking on the world!

Love,
Deb