Fall

There's a place in my mind where I escape to, a place where nothing has ever hurt me, where everything is roses and sunshine. It's a place that I like to go because I know I am safe. I'm not talking about people hurting me per se, just life in general. A place where I can be a little girl again and I don't have all this pain in my body. I haven't had all these surgeries, and I don't go to endless doctor after endless doctor who just can't figure out how to help me. I haven't been diagnosed with what they think is MS and I don't have to take an endless supply of Narcotic medication just to function. The place where I can do what I love....what I really love, help people. I spent six years training to do just that. I've worked with adult offenders, juvenile offenders, drug and alcohol addiction, mental health both in patient and out...and I know the ins and outs of Crisis intervention....what's more I was so good at it. That life was stolen from me. My life with my husband was stolen from me. Pain....it has done a lot to my life. In my mind, the place where I go is a place where I don't have all that. I can't really find it with anyone else...although I have safety in the arms of James....I found safety with Nigel, but he disappeared, and then there are my friends...some whom can relate but most who can't. The endless array of doctors most of whom I've told to fuck off a time or two....but the good ones, the ones I can curse out and they'll hug me and say I'm glad you told me that, now let's keep working, I still see, but right now I am endlessly frustrated because nobody knows. I will soon be thirty-four and I try so hard to keep a positive outlook. I try so hard to find things to do with my life that are productive, but when you are in such pain you never know how you will feel or function on a daily basis it's hard. When waking up means figuring out which pills will best get you through the day so you can be somewhat productive and have a good day and be a mom, when waking up means figuring out what hurts, and how to deal with it, when waking up means trying not to cry from the immensity of it all...trying to find a new doctor that will help me, trying to figure out what to do next...when waking up means just trying to cope....it's not so much fun. But I try. I try hard because my life means something. My life is valuable. My life despite it's trials and tribulations has some purpose. There is a reason I am going through all of this, I just don't know what it is. There is a reason I am here. There is a reason for this fight. I know there is. I may not be in the best spirits ever single day, but I can make it, I know I can. I may just need a little help along the way. I chose this song today because it's one of my favorites...and right now I just need to fall...and thank you my readers for letting me fall into you today!

Love,
Deb