Healing begins here

It's so funny how the Lord provides. Just when it seems that I've had enough, the Lord beings something to me to help me see that he's there and I'm not alone. Most of the time it's a ladybug which is my object of comfort. I went outside the other day when I was having a very bad day and wasn't seeing much of anyone that cared about me....and although I know I am loved I was having one big pity party. I went to smoke, and there on the chair was one lonely ladybug. My object of comfort and strength.

Thank you Lord for that. Jesus, lover of my soul, you know what that means to me...and you brought me that one lonely object to let me know how loved I am....It meant a lot.

Never believe you're alone...You are not!!

Love,
Debbie

Lay it Down

I've thought long and hard about what to write. It's been a tough week for me. The first week of my 34th year and it started off pretty rotten. I can't wait for the end of 2010 but Nikki and I swore that 2011 was going to be our year.

I'm taking a lot of solace in this song, and I've decided to go to church. Chey wants to go to church and although her dad will be taking her on Sundays, I will be taking her on Wednesdays and going alone on Sundays. It was very comforting to me, especially since the week was so shitty and the weekend, my plans ended up screwed and I cried most of it.

I don't know maybe I just need to get out of the house more, and getting involved in the church is the best thing I can do for myself. I need to have more faith and I don't want to get involved in some activity that is just going to lead me to more unhappiness. I need positive influences in my life that will lead me to positive changes and actual real things that I can do to be productive and reach out to the world. I felt safe and welcomed at this church. I think it will be my new church home, and I think there are a lot of things I can do there. I think I was led there for a reason.

Cheyenne and I have been having a lot of talks about God and that's good for us. It gives us bonding time and I am enjoying it. I'm enjoying that time we share and teaching her. We need that time together and we need to be able to share that experience of faith. So as bad as the week was, I'm starting here with something positive. When I hear this song, I know all I can do is lay it down, and trust that God has a plan....whatever it is...God will see me through these times and I will come out of this okay. He'll give me the strength to endure and to be okay. Better than okay.

Getting to know my heart

Yesterday I was so shocked to get an IM from one of my best online friends ever. She lives in Greece and unfortunately I'd never been able to meet her. Until now. She was in chicago about a 5 hour drive from me, and asked me if I wanted to have coffee. Of course my answer was yes!! She drove all the way from Chicago, had dinner and coffee with me, then drove back to Chicago. She made my day and I realized how loved I am as a friend that someone would do that for me.

There are certain people out there, two to be specific, antichrist and H who have hurt me so thoroughly, that unfortunately, my defenses go into overdrive. It is hard to get to know me. I'm guarded, defensive and I will test to the limits. It's not something I do intentionally, however I do it and I can't stop myself usually. And Unfortunately when the Antichrist left me, it left me also with a mouth lol. I speak my mind, and in most of my friends minds it is hysterical because u just never know what I am going to say, but it can be difficult when my defenses arise because I will say what I think whether it's good or bad. The brain to mouth filter quit working.

I am one of the few women who will tell you exactly what I need and want without beating around the bush, dropping hints, or making a man guess. I just come out and say it...and it's up to him how to deal with that.

Sometimes it works for me sometimes it does not. I have a relationship it works well in, but we are still just good friends.

Then there is H that hates me for it.

The thing is that all these things don't make me a bad person, just someone who has been hurt and refuses to let her defenses down...and unfortunately it often leads to more hurt which makes me more defensive. It's hard for me to let someone in...I wish that it wasn't but it is. But when I do...I love a person for life...I would do anything for that person.

I am passionate and have dreams and goals, and each day, those dreams and goals become a little closer, a little more important, a little more needed because those are the things that make me....well, me. They are the things that give me my independence and make me stand out from everyone else.

The point is, I'm not alone in life....and I don't need any man to make me whole. There are things I want to do in life...things I'm GOING to do in life because I am strong, determined and one hell of a fighter....and damn it I will get over this mountain with the help of some very good people who have never let me down. They have laughed with me, cried with me, acted crazy with me, given me 100% honest no bullshit advice, reality checks when I need them, and they have never given up the fight. Sometimes they may pull me up the kill kicking and screaming but they do....and they love me all the more for getting back up again, and I love them all the more for yelling and screaming at me and giving me the kick in the ass that I need.

My life...this is what it is, and I'll be damned if I'll spend it being miserable! So if you want to be a part of it, wonderful, if not, you're missing out on something so wonderful, and if you can't take the time to really get to know me...if all u can see are the defenses...then you don't deserve to know me.

Love,
Debbie

Back to my roots

One of the things I love about Eminem is the raw honesty of his Lyrics..besides a beat that makes me wanna move, Eminem always has Lyrics that are just so meaningful. And how I came to love hip hop and rap so much was when I was working with the kids in lock up it was about all I heard. I remember the kids would always be so amazed to hear me rapping or that I actually came to love "their music" so much. But as I told them, I love all music...especially that which has meaning. Often I would write poems as I listened to music with them and give them to whichever kid I had written a particular piece for. So as I'm sitting here this morning thinking of what I should do this year while Chey's in school, I'm thinking I know what I'm going to do.

I have missed so much working with the kids. They really made such an impact on me and I loved them so very very much, So I am going to dedicate myself to writing a poem every day of this school year. A poem that would be meaningful to kids, troubled kids. And then during the summer, edit it, then work on getting it published. I would love to see my poetry out there, bound and in the hands of children....not for the sake of profit, but for the sake of touching the lives of the kids I so loved to work with.

So this is my promise and what I plan to do every day :) And it will be a good writing exercise for me! I'll post some up as I go! I hope you'll all enjoy them as Much as i enjoy writing my poetry!

Love,
Debbie

The Journey

This song will forever be burned into my mind as my birthday song lol, thank you Niki, Jim, John, and the bartenders at Gravois Grill for that. I'll not forget walking into the bar and Niki ordering up a shot for us for my birthday, and the guy next to me hearing that it was my birthday and thus enticing me into a Jager Bomb...which turned into a couple, followed by a few more shots and some drinks lol. I remember dancing around to this song as Nik sang "Go Debbie, it's your Birthday" and thus it was Christened...this is my song lol

It was a great night, and there are pictures to come...they are presently on Niki's camera and I have to be patient because I was at Six Flags all day today, how I managed the heat and the sun on three hours of sleep, all the liquor I took in last night, and a killer hangover I'll never know but damn it was a nice weekend. I'm burnt to a crisp, the nausea and headache are rolling out and tomorrow will be a piss off day I'm sure...but I needed this weekend! LOL

I can tell you I was the best smelling girl in the bar, which was nice to hear, Niki and I had a blast!

Earlier in the day, my mom and my daughter and I went peach and blackberry picking which was so cool. Can't wait for my peach blackberry pie yummy lol and I even got a little history lesson in about how in the older times, if people wanted berries, they had to pick them all by hand, there weren't machines like we have now. Picking blackberries isn't as easy as it looks ya know. And when they smash in your fingers, my goodness they were so plump and yummy you just couldn't help but stuff a few in your mouth lol. My daughter and I were so sick from blackberries by the time we left!!

My daughter actually went around my house wrapping up my stuff behind my back, so when she woke, she gave me a card she made, and all these things, and we laughed as we remembered each item...and how she gave it to me the first time....and then found a new special place for it....fyi I LOVED it, great idea for kids!!!

She also gave me a nice little bracelet my mom got her to give me, but that really was an aside, the best gift was the one she spent all her time working on just so she'd have something to give me so I'd feel special and loved.

My mom gave me a card that brought me to tears, and a mug, and then got my my ereader which I have been dying to have...and took me out for a stellar Italian dinner. OMG the food was so yummy! I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.

Spending the day with my family and the night with my friends was such a wonderful way to spend my birthday...I couldn't have asked for a better, more peaceful or more wonderful day. I got a ton of wonderful birthday messages from friends and people that wished me a wonderful relaxing day...and that's exactly what I had...two days actually!

And ya know, today I had an epiphany...I was at Six Flags with my friend, her daughter and my daughter. And we were on the lazy river, and I was so relaxed and just laughing and having a good time. I sighed in bliss and looked up at the sky. My feet dangling in the cool water, and I thought wow this is so nice. So calm, and if everything could be like this...just flowing along nicely...feeling so free and wonderful life would be grand...especially a particular relationship I am involved in right now lol.

So I, of course, being me ask my angels to show me an answer to my dilemma with this man. And I always look the clouds first for my answer because that is where I have seen the most truth, and the clouds have never lied to me. And the clouds were all shaped like kissing angels. I wished I had had my camera. I asked my friend if she saw it, and her daughter did, and so did mine. Later Chris saw it. All day I saw kissing angels, and I just knew that things are going to be okay with this person that is in my heart.

So I called and left this story on his voicemail since he loves to ignore me so much. And hopefully he will see how meaningful it was/is. Peace, love, and happiness...it's all there for us to take if we allow forgiveness into our hearts and open up to each other and just let it flow. He told me that a long time ago. Unconditional love and let it flow. I don't think i really understood that until today. Because the other part of the story is that as I was trying to enjoy the lazy river, my anxious, hyper and very much like me daughter, kept grabbing my hand, pulling at me, trying to rush me, and every time she did I'd get pushed up against a wall, and it would knock me backward...and irritate me and as much as I love my kiddo i just wanted her to leave me alone because I wanted the peace and the calmness of the river...yes baby I get it now.

So that was my epiphany...maybe it's easy to understand to people reading it, but for a hard headed, stubborn ass leo who has always had to go through the school of hard knocks...well this one has taken time but I'm getting there.

So what are my plans for now? Well I can't wait to see my pictures, I can't wait to get Chey started in the third grade...To get back on track with my fitness goals...to get caught up on work...and to really just enjoy being me...I think I'm learning to really like who that is. I'm quirky, I'm silly, I'm a bit crazy and outlandish sometimes, but I got heart, I got passion, I got spirit, and most of all I've got dreams to achieve, and I can do it. I can do it because I'm me and I know I have what it takes.

Thanks to everyone who believed enough in me to not give up until I believed in myself. Year Number 33 had it's up and downs but for the most part...I can look back and see mostly positive things...and it's been so long since I could say that!!! Thank you Thank You Thank you!!!! I love all my friends and family who have stood by my side and walked this journey with me. I look forward to year 34 and the new people it will bring, and the new experiences it will bring to those who have remained on the journey with me for so long!

Another year, another number

This is me. A photo taken by a very good friend on a night this year when we were acting silly. There have been a lot of nights like that! This has overall been a good year for me. This is me. Crazy, silly, funny, caring, loving, and many times, needing to be around those that love me because that is when I thrive, that is when I do my best. I am not a loner. I am not someone who likes to sit by myself and enjoy my own company although I can do that as well.

My health problems have been hard for me as too often I have HAD to enjoy my own company. This has limited me to a very small group of friends that understand me, and that I trust to help me deal with the day to day struggles and dilemmas I face.

Overall I try very hard to be a Happy girl. The happy girl in this picture. This year is the best I have had since the antichrist tore my life apart.

And as the birthday card my mother gave me this morning reminded me, I deserve to have a beautiful life....

There is nothing I could have received that would have meant more to me than that...it brought me to tears. When I went to bed last night I prayed, I prayed for a sign of what I was supposed to do with the rest of my life. A reason that I am here...and my mom picked that card....

So this morning's song is another older one, but one of my favorites. It's my day and I deserve to have a favorite song on my blog...

If I have to steal your love...If you can't give of it freely...and this applies to anyone in my life...then maybe it's just time for me to let go...cause really...It's time for me to fly. I deserve that beautiful life...and with anyone that expects me to steal their love I'm not getting it!

Happy Birthday to me, and to the amazing number of people who have made this morning special with birthday wishes! Thank you!

Love,
Debbie

When ya just can't win

Despite earlier confidence that I could make it through 90 days, I now know that 90 days really meant goodbye. Sadness, although it has been my best friend of late, and I would have loved to have shared my reasons with him, he never allowed that. There was never time. I was the option that became the garbage that wasn't needed. So, without a care, Yes, I have been thrown away.

And I should care why? I suppose I could say because I love him. But what does that matter when he didn't love me back. It was always we've got to meet. As if meeting me in person was going to magically change something. Like I was going to suddenly grow to heads, have some nasty habit, or just be plain too ugly for him to care about.

I hate that answer. Either you care or you don't. One thing about the internet and the phone. You can really get to know a person if they are 100% honest...and over time, a person can really only lie so much before their true colors begin to show. I've said many a time, I'm not perfect. I never will be...but I am a good person...or at least I try to be. At least I have a lot of love in my heart, and my intentions are good. Where I am flawed, I am trying to improve, and where I have erred I learn...and I don't make the same mistakes over and over again.

But ultimately I still come out on the side of unlovable...garbage that has been thrown away. I can't even begin to express how much it hurts. Maybe it's just because as hard as I fought against the man, I heard the love in his voice, and every time he denied it, it pissed me off. Now I miss his laugh. I miss the way he used to ask me if I was this difficult with everyone or just him. And the answer is it depends on the situation. I do things my own way, and if you choose to see it as difficult...well why not just laugh and enjoy the ride? Ride a roller coaster with me...it's fun to get to the top of a hill, put your hands up and watch yourself leap to the bottom of a really big hill, and should I be doing that after eight back surgeries...hell no but I do. I don't always make smart choices and I pay for that...yes I come home miserable and needing Much pain medication, but I live life....and I choose to live it in a way that enables me to have fun, love people as much as I can, and smile as much as I can.

Does it make some people want to smack me upside the head? Yeah sometimes. I am a stubborn ass Leo. Sometimes it seems that what people say goes in one ear out the other. I have always been a woman that needs to learn my own lessons. I see myself heading for heartache with my little bit because she is the same way. Going to go through the school of hard knocks just like I did. But I make my choices. I have a really solid moral foundation and I try to live by it. When I broke it by being absolutely heartbreakingly cruel with words to the person I love, I found myself sobbing because I have never said anything like that in my life and never will again.....I am so morally against that and to say it to someone I love made me so disappointed in me you can't even imagine.

I beat up on myself and hard.....

I'm solid in my friendships. I know who I love and why. There is nothing and I do mean nothing I wouldn't do for them. And there is nothing I have in this world that I wouldn't give them. I give and give and give of myself not just to friends, but to anyone I can. I help in whatever way I can, when I can.

Yet still, I can't win. Once my guy told me a story about meeting someone he had a conversation with. And he was amazed that this person was a live donor. That saw me doing a ton of research on becoming a live donor. Despite the fact that I have MS, have had numerous back surgeries, have a history of clots among other things. Yet this is what I felt I had to do to be a good person in his eyes. Never mind that I have spent my life working with troubled teens and adults, and 90% of my time writing books aimed at troubled youth.

I never feel like a good enough person....or maybe he just doesn't want to hear that I'm a good person. Maybe I've just never been good to him....I don't know I'm confused because as hard as I've tried, it just doesn't matter. I can send him the sweetest messages in the world. From the heart messages....and he ignores them. I can send him hateful messages and he ignores those too. He deletes my texts. doesn't answer the phone when I call. Doesn't call me back. Doesn't answer my im's. And today when I im'd him something very sweet, just logged off altogether. So yesterday he told me we'd talk after he got back....and I was confident that I could do this. That I could deal with this and my relationship would be okay because I do love him so very very much. And then it hit me. He has a phone...he just doesn't want to talk to me. It's not 90 days, it's just goodbye.

So goodbye it is.

And thus another broken heart.

Miss Independent

I'll talk to you in 90 days...the hardest words I've heard in a very long time. But words that I needed to hear from a man I love deeply. It was an answer. An answer I can accept. A break that I can accept and use to learn that he only enhances my life, he doesn't make my life.

I love him so very very much. I promised him that someday I will marry him, and with all my heart I know that is true. I have no doubt. He told me once that we had a connection, I rolled my eyes and told him he was wrong, now I must prove to him he was right.

In 90 days I have to show him that I can handle his life and mine....that I love him enough to do that. God help me be patient and mature...but most of all understanding of the man that I love. I'm so proud of him always....I may not always show it, but it's in my heart.

What to wear on a date?

I have to reiterate to the world that I have the best friends in all of creation :) They are such a class act every single one of them! Niki, one of my closest, was helping me get ready to go out last night, and I kept running over to her house, where my daughter was spending the night lol I'm sure she wanted me to knock it off so my kid would settle her little butt down. Anyway, I kept going over there to ask if what I was wearing was good. Not like I haven't seen the man before. James and I have seen each other many times before, so there really was no need for the first date butterflies, but I had them anyway. LOL and James and I are just friends.

Finally I found the outfit I felt perfect in, got the thumbs up for Nik and we are saying goodbye and I start singing none other than the oldie but goodie posted above. Of course we start giggling like little teenagers but it was fun! I love my friends, it had been a rough day and not only did Nik had me laughing I was truly smiling and ready to go and give my date my all.

So Date time comes and the man had fallen asleep lol What can a girl do but wish him sweet dreams and go out for a nice drive. And again this is where the truly great friends part comes in 'cause remember James and I are JUST friends. So I get a text at about 1 in the morning saying I'm so so sorry. I'm out and about and tell him its fine but my upset from the day has come back full force so I'm headed somewhere I probably shouldn't have been but of course my intentions were not to make myself more upset, just to internalize.

And I tell him this, and he was like no, you come over here. We texted back and forth a little and finally he was like it will take you 20 minutes to get here. And so it did. All my prep for nothing, I showed up in jeans and a t-shirt with no shoes lol. He says to me why in the hell are you out with no shoes?

And that was that.....All the prep I went through and the man looked at my feet and didn't care what was on the rest of my body!

So for all you women out there scrambling to figure out what you're going to wear when you go out? Ask your partner this....what are you going to look at most...and make sure you prep that area most...forget the rest, lol or at least don't pay it that much attention.

Soul Mates: You're lucky when you meet them

I don't believe in one Soul mate that you are supposed to live a lifetime with. I'm lucky my closest friends follow very closely with my beliefs. I had a friend over for dinner last night and we were discussing this very thing as we talked about my dreams of the night before. I told her that I had dreamed of both Harrison and Nigel. And she told me that she didn't dream of men, and I told her those are the only two men who had ever come to me in dreams, that's who I knew they were soul mates.

But I don't mean that I was supposed to live my life with both of them. I mean that I was supposed to meet them for a reason. They have both come into my life for a reason and they have both been people who have taught me great lessons, and then caused me great pain.

There is a reason for that.

I also believe that my closest and best friends are my soul mates. Niki, Autumn, Christina, Kerri, and James There is not one of the five of them and their children that I would not take a bullet for in an instant with no thought to myself. They are people who have taught me many lessons, whom I have tried to do as much as I can for, and who have tried to do as much as they can for me. They are people who bring out the best in me. People who make me laugh, who are there for me when I cry, and who touch my soul deeply. I believe I have lived many lifetimes with and have been destined to meet in this one as well. I look forward to many more liftetimes with them for they are people are who are my true soul mates.

As for Nigel and Harrison, they are also my soul mates, ones with whom I have knots I must workout. I will continue to meet them until the Karma on both sides is clear and the knots taken care of. We are soul mates....and we will meet again. Because as the song says....Once in a while, someone comes along.....and everyone named in this blog...even those who have hurt me have been one of those one in a million...and I love them for it.

When there's no one to blame but me

Love makes me act stupid. I don't act like this with anyone but people that I really like. But when I really like someone, and when I am really falling in love with someone it's like I don't have a brain. Even though I am a highly intelligent, highly independent, and very loving person, falling in love brings out the stupid, needy beast in me.

I don't know why this is. Lately all of my friends have been women...Save when I decided I needed to get comfortable with men again and decided to dedicate myself to making male friends. I did just that and ended up making a very good one. James. I wouldn't trade him for the world. Nor would I give him up. James has taught me so much about being just friends with a man, and he is a very good friend to me.

Yet with the man I adore, Harrison, I have continued to be stupid, cruel, ignorant and a complete beast. He won't talk to me and I can't say I blame him. Why oh why do I self sabotage. Why of why does love bring out my inner beast? I am truly a good person. Any one of my friends will tell you that. I will go out of my way to do good things. I am very sweet and loving. I am a fighter. I am strong. I am independent. I am a superb mother. I am a great person. I don't say this to toot my own horn...only to highlight that I am not the beast that rears its ugly head when I fall in love.

Why oh why must this beast come forth and tear apart my relationships? Do I blame the beast? No because the beast is in effect me. It is a me that I am not proud of...it is a me that is scary and full of fear...but a beast nonetheless. A beast I don't like that is begging someone to stay...stick around and fight for our relationship. To show me that I'm not always going to be abandoned. That I'm not garbage to be thrown away. That I am worthy of being loved. That it is okay to have feelings and that someone will stick by me. That I can be at my worst and still be lovable. Yet it is this very beast that needs to know this that drives people away. Maybe it is the beast in me that says I am unworthy and no you don't want to love me because I am unlovable...After all didn't a certain two people throw you away like garbage in an instant...like you didn't matter?

Well now we can make it three....but I did it to myself...I know I did it to myself. I made him throw me away. Still I wanted him to say I was worth it.

I don't believe that what we had is gone. I don't believe it is dead. I believe he is angry at me. I believe he won't let me in again, not for any real kind of chance, at least not now. After all he did deny for a very long time that he cared at all for me. Maybe he'll never let me back in. And maybe that is what I deserve. Maybe. But in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't change the fact that I am not garbage...I am still just a girl. A girl who loves him. Maybe the beast spoke to him for a while, needing him to reassure him, but the woman in me doesn't want him to go. The woman in me is willing to exile the beast....to work on whatever needs working on to have him back in my life and a real chance. I love him....and that's not going to change. There is no one to blame but me for this situation. I allowed the beast to take over, but I also have the power to change that. I have the power to be the best woman I can, the woman that he once adored....If only he'd give me the chance.....If he takes the time to read this, I hope he knows how hard it is to write this in a public forum where everyone can know what an ass I am...but it's just the truth...and I deserve to be smacked for treating him so badly.