When ya just can't win

Despite earlier confidence that I could make it through 90 days, I now know that 90 days really meant goodbye. Sadness, although it has been my best friend of late, and I would have loved to have shared my reasons with him, he never allowed that. There was never time. I was the option that became the garbage that wasn't needed. So, without a care, Yes, I have been thrown away.

And I should care why? I suppose I could say because I love him. But what does that matter when he didn't love me back. It was always we've got to meet. As if meeting me in person was going to magically change something. Like I was going to suddenly grow to heads, have some nasty habit, or just be plain too ugly for him to care about.

I hate that answer. Either you care or you don't. One thing about the internet and the phone. You can really get to know a person if they are 100% honest...and over time, a person can really only lie so much before their true colors begin to show. I've said many a time, I'm not perfect. I never will be...but I am a good person...or at least I try to be. At least I have a lot of love in my heart, and my intentions are good. Where I am flawed, I am trying to improve, and where I have erred I learn...and I don't make the same mistakes over and over again.

But ultimately I still come out on the side of unlovable...garbage that has been thrown away. I can't even begin to express how much it hurts. Maybe it's just because as hard as I fought against the man, I heard the love in his voice, and every time he denied it, it pissed me off. Now I miss his laugh. I miss the way he used to ask me if I was this difficult with everyone or just him. And the answer is it depends on the situation. I do things my own way, and if you choose to see it as difficult...well why not just laugh and enjoy the ride? Ride a roller coaster with me...it's fun to get to the top of a hill, put your hands up and watch yourself leap to the bottom of a really big hill, and should I be doing that after eight back surgeries...hell no but I do. I don't always make smart choices and I pay for that...yes I come home miserable and needing Much pain medication, but I live life....and I choose to live it in a way that enables me to have fun, love people as much as I can, and smile as much as I can.

Does it make some people want to smack me upside the head? Yeah sometimes. I am a stubborn ass Leo. Sometimes it seems that what people say goes in one ear out the other. I have always been a woman that needs to learn my own lessons. I see myself heading for heartache with my little bit because she is the same way. Going to go through the school of hard knocks just like I did. But I make my choices. I have a really solid moral foundation and I try to live by it. When I broke it by being absolutely heartbreakingly cruel with words to the person I love, I found myself sobbing because I have never said anything like that in my life and never will again.....I am so morally against that and to say it to someone I love made me so disappointed in me you can't even imagine.

I beat up on myself and hard.....

I'm solid in my friendships. I know who I love and why. There is nothing and I do mean nothing I wouldn't do for them. And there is nothing I have in this world that I wouldn't give them. I give and give and give of myself not just to friends, but to anyone I can. I help in whatever way I can, when I can.

Yet still, I can't win. Once my guy told me a story about meeting someone he had a conversation with. And he was amazed that this person was a live donor. That saw me doing a ton of research on becoming a live donor. Despite the fact that I have MS, have had numerous back surgeries, have a history of clots among other things. Yet this is what I felt I had to do to be a good person in his eyes. Never mind that I have spent my life working with troubled teens and adults, and 90% of my time writing books aimed at troubled youth.

I never feel like a good enough person....or maybe he just doesn't want to hear that I'm a good person. Maybe I've just never been good to him....I don't know I'm confused because as hard as I've tried, it just doesn't matter. I can send him the sweetest messages in the world. From the heart messages....and he ignores them. I can send him hateful messages and he ignores those too. He deletes my texts. doesn't answer the phone when I call. Doesn't call me back. Doesn't answer my im's. And today when I im'd him something very sweet, just logged off altogether. So yesterday he told me we'd talk after he got back....and I was confident that I could do this. That I could deal with this and my relationship would be okay because I do love him so very very much. And then it hit me. He has a phone...he just doesn't want to talk to me. It's not 90 days, it's just goodbye.

So goodbye it is.

And thus another broken heart.