Getting to know my heart

Yesterday I was so shocked to get an IM from one of my best online friends ever. She lives in Greece and unfortunately I'd never been able to meet her. Until now. She was in chicago about a 5 hour drive from me, and asked me if I wanted to have coffee. Of course my answer was yes!! She drove all the way from Chicago, had dinner and coffee with me, then drove back to Chicago. She made my day and I realized how loved I am as a friend that someone would do that for me.

There are certain people out there, two to be specific, antichrist and H who have hurt me so thoroughly, that unfortunately, my defenses go into overdrive. It is hard to get to know me. I'm guarded, defensive and I will test to the limits. It's not something I do intentionally, however I do it and I can't stop myself usually. And Unfortunately when the Antichrist left me, it left me also with a mouth lol. I speak my mind, and in most of my friends minds it is hysterical because u just never know what I am going to say, but it can be difficult when my defenses arise because I will say what I think whether it's good or bad. The brain to mouth filter quit working.

I am one of the few women who will tell you exactly what I need and want without beating around the bush, dropping hints, or making a man guess. I just come out and say it...and it's up to him how to deal with that.

Sometimes it works for me sometimes it does not. I have a relationship it works well in, but we are still just good friends.

Then there is H that hates me for it.

The thing is that all these things don't make me a bad person, just someone who has been hurt and refuses to let her defenses down...and unfortunately it often leads to more hurt which makes me more defensive. It's hard for me to let someone in...I wish that it wasn't but it is. But when I do...I love a person for life...I would do anything for that person.

I am passionate and have dreams and goals, and each day, those dreams and goals become a little closer, a little more important, a little more needed because those are the things that make me....well, me. They are the things that give me my independence and make me stand out from everyone else.

The point is, I'm not alone in life....and I don't need any man to make me whole. There are things I want to do in life...things I'm GOING to do in life because I am strong, determined and one hell of a fighter....and damn it I will get over this mountain with the help of some very good people who have never let me down. They have laughed with me, cried with me, acted crazy with me, given me 100% honest no bullshit advice, reality checks when I need them, and they have never given up the fight. Sometimes they may pull me up the kill kicking and screaming but they do....and they love me all the more for getting back up again, and I love them all the more for yelling and screaming at me and giving me the kick in the ass that I need.

My life...this is what it is, and I'll be damned if I'll spend it being miserable! So if you want to be a part of it, wonderful, if not, you're missing out on something so wonderful, and if you can't take the time to really get to know me...if all u can see are the defenses...then you don't deserve to know me.

Love,
Debbie