When there's no one to blame but me

Love makes me act stupid. I don't act like this with anyone but people that I really like. But when I really like someone, and when I am really falling in love with someone it's like I don't have a brain. Even though I am a highly intelligent, highly independent, and very loving person, falling in love brings out the stupid, needy beast in me.

I don't know why this is. Lately all of my friends have been women...Save when I decided I needed to get comfortable with men again and decided to dedicate myself to making male friends. I did just that and ended up making a very good one. James. I wouldn't trade him for the world. Nor would I give him up. James has taught me so much about being just friends with a man, and he is a very good friend to me.

Yet with the man I adore, Harrison, I have continued to be stupid, cruel, ignorant and a complete beast. He won't talk to me and I can't say I blame him. Why oh why do I self sabotage. Why of why does love bring out my inner beast? I am truly a good person. Any one of my friends will tell you that. I will go out of my way to do good things. I am very sweet and loving. I am a fighter. I am strong. I am independent. I am a superb mother. I am a great person. I don't say this to toot my own horn...only to highlight that I am not the beast that rears its ugly head when I fall in love.

Why oh why must this beast come forth and tear apart my relationships? Do I blame the beast? No because the beast is in effect me. It is a me that I am not proud of...it is a me that is scary and full of fear...but a beast nonetheless. A beast I don't like that is begging someone to stay...stick around and fight for our relationship. To show me that I'm not always going to be abandoned. That I'm not garbage to be thrown away. That I am worthy of being loved. That it is okay to have feelings and that someone will stick by me. That I can be at my worst and still be lovable. Yet it is this very beast that needs to know this that drives people away. Maybe it is the beast in me that says I am unworthy and no you don't want to love me because I am unlovable...After all didn't a certain two people throw you away like garbage in an instant...like you didn't matter?

Well now we can make it three....but I did it to myself...I know I did it to myself. I made him throw me away. Still I wanted him to say I was worth it.

I don't believe that what we had is gone. I don't believe it is dead. I believe he is angry at me. I believe he won't let me in again, not for any real kind of chance, at least not now. After all he did deny for a very long time that he cared at all for me. Maybe he'll never let me back in. And maybe that is what I deserve. Maybe. But in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't change the fact that I am not garbage...I am still just a girl. A girl who loves him. Maybe the beast spoke to him for a while, needing him to reassure him, but the woman in me doesn't want him to go. The woman in me is willing to exile the beast....to work on whatever needs working on to have him back in my life and a real chance. I love him....and that's not going to change. There is no one to blame but me for this situation. I allowed the beast to take over, but I also have the power to change that. I have the power to be the best woman I can, the woman that he once adored....If only he'd give me the chance.....If he takes the time to read this, I hope he knows how hard it is to write this in a public forum where everyone can know what an ass I am...but it's just the truth...and I deserve to be smacked for treating him so badly.